NFL Futures for 2009 – The Long Shots

That’s it folks. The Steelers added a sixth championship to their storied history, and Kurt Warner proved that you can do virtually anything with Jesus on your side (except win a Super Bowl ). The Furious One is here to run down all 32 NFL teams and give you the best and worst of the season. Of course, we’re going to start from the bottom up and cover the odds for Super Bowl XLIV, which are already up! Naturally we start at the bottom which means we begin with…

MAKING HISTORY…THE WRONG WAY

32. Detroit Lions (0-16)

The worst? The winless season? The best? Dan Orlovsky getting chased out of the endzone by Jared Allen! It was perhaps my favorite mishap of 2008, and would only be better if the boom mike had picked up Orlovsky screaming like a little girl.

The real good news for Detroit is that they’ve locked the first and seventh pick in the first round of the NFL 2009 Draft. Matt Stafford from Georgia and one of the many, talented offensive linemen will probably go in the top-10 to Detroit. But we’re hoping they balk this one and take Michael Crabtree first overall. C’mon…you know you wanna…

NFL Futures: +9,000

SUCKS TO BE US

31. St. Louis Rams (2-14)

The fact that Marc Bulger gave up after Week 5 was all you needed. Bulger’s heart hasn’t been in the game since his offensive line decided to give up on him, and he’s been getting blown apart every since. The bright spot is that Donnie Avery emerged as a strong receiving threat, posting 53 receptions for 674 yards and three scores.

The darkest hour of the Rams’ horrific two-win season was the 47-3 thrashing that they received at the hands of the New York Jets. At halftime, this game was 40-0, the largest losing margin at halftime in NFL history. See Lions, you aren’t the only ones who made history! And you a-holes selfishly hog the spotlight…shameful.

NFL Futures: +10,000

30. Seattle Seahawks (4-12)

Mike Holmgren is gone. Matt Hasselbeck is on the verge of decimation. And the Seahawks found out first hand why Julius Jones was expendable in Dallas. Same with T.J. Duckett. What can I say? Their best receiver is an overrated Deion Branch, they have no pass rush and finished 4-12…while starring in the NFC West! The good? 2008 is over. The bad? 2009 is around the corner.

NFL Futures: +5000

29. Cincinnati Bengals (4-11-1)

The Bengals saw Carson Palmer’s elbow give out, which complimented with his knee, makes him a candidate for the NFL’s imaginary 2009 cyborg restoration program. On top of that the only noise that Chad Johnson made was when he idiotically changed his name to Ocho Cinqo, or something stupid like that. I don’t even care. I drafted him in fantasy and then traded him after too long only to watch him blow up for three touchdowns. I hate you, Chad. Go suck a lemon.

The worst part of the season, however, came when they broke out in an all-male make out session by tying the Eagles at mid-season. It makes you wonder what’s worse, watching your quarterback get chomped by the injury bug, being embarrassed by your idiot wide-receiver before the season even starts…or making out with eleven other dudes.

NFL Futures: +5500

“YOU PLAY…TO KEEP ME MY JOB!”

28. Kansas City Chiefs (2-14)

See how far one, historic and memorable post-game speech can take you? “You play to win the game!” has entrenched Herm Edwards, who is a sub-par coach and A+ energy guy, in history…as a Coors Light football ad staple. If the Chiefs want any hope, they’ll find a coach who can take Thigpen and Dwayne Bowe to respectable heights.

The worst part of this season might come in the offseason, where Larry Gonzalez looks to be jumping ship. It’s worth staying tuned to, especially for the Chiefs fans who went 5-3 ATS on the road. Look for the evolution of Thigpen to be the main focal point of the Chiefs.

NFL Futures: +8,000

27. Cleveland Browns (4-12)

You know, in retrospect, the Browns made one fatal error. And that error was not selling on Derek Anderson absurdly high. They could’ve traded him to Tampa, Minnesota or…well…anyone for something better. It’s not entirely their fault that both Anderson and Brady Quinn got injured.

The good news is that Quinn looked very strong in his first few starts, engineering solid drives and posting two scores, 518 passing yards on 45-of-89 attempts. With Quinn likely getting the nod next year, and the Browns decimating their betting faithful this season (7-9 ATS) after being the best bet in football in 2007. The oddsmakers will come back down to Earth, and now that everyone has thrown the Browns in the toilet, they’ll be a strong bet in 2009.

NFL Futures: +5000

26. Oakland Raiders (5-11)

Ok, so they deserve to be at the bottom of the heap. The team committed to excellence is now committed to sucking, and their commitment to the freaking Cable Guy proves that Oakland has no idea what the hell it’s doing. I wonder if we’ll have NFL odds and lines on Oakland massively overpaying for another washed up has been.

The key here will be the progress of Darren McFadden and JaMarcus Russell. The Raiders’ imminent future depends on these two prodigies from the SEC. If one of the two doesn’t pan out, this team will be handicapped by its continuing ineptitude. And if they don’t get a coach that knows what they’re doing, then the Raiders are already at the end game.

NFL Futures: +10,000

Next UP: The 2008-09 Underachievers