NFL Fantasy Football Special – Draft ‘Em and Shaft ‘Em

For people who haven’t ever played NFL Fantasy Football because it’s boring, dorky, or time-consuming, get over yourselves!!

I was one of those snobby NFL Football “purists” until about 10 years ago, then I SAW THE LIGHT! I believe it was Coors Light.

I have a great analogy explaining this transition that most of you scums would relate to involving women, but that will have to be another article. These Nuggets of Knowledge should at least help you get value with your NFL Fantasy Draft Picks. Now bring on the kegs and strippers!

Draft ‘Em – Scoop up these Fantasy Freaks:

DeAngelo Williams – I usually don’t go high on players with bad teams, but Carolina will improve this year. The Panthers LT Jordan Gross and Center Ryan Kalil return after Pro Bowl seasons, and bulldozing rush blocker RT Jeff Otah is healthy after having to miss the entire season last year due to a knee injury.

This puts DeAngelo around the top 10 in Fantasy points for running backs this season. He is going an average draft position of about 32 but should be low 20s. Get this dude….dudes and dudettes.

Ryan Grant–This is Aaron Rodgers new BFF. With Grant healthy, they are going to really use him to ease those defenses off of Mister Rodgers (rough neighborhood). Let your other draftees buy into that James Starks barking. You won’t hear those dawgs until they’re resting Ryan for the NFL Playoffs.

The Roses, Roxannes and Rhondas in these drafts are waiting until around 56 to pick up Grant. I ain’tlyin’ when I say to pick up Ryan around 49.

Matt Ryan – Que Paso Mateo? Juliooooesmuyrapido!! Word is out on Julio Jones, so watch out amigos. Matt Ryan is rated below Tony Romo, Ben Roethlisberger and Josh Freeman by most touts. MOVE HIM UP! Michael Turner has the WHOLE package (groin surgery) this year, and I expect Matt, Roddy and Julio to stick it deep again and again…..

Don’t let Matt fall flat to number 60 for draft position when this Ryan should be 39.

Chad Ochocinco – Senor Johnson just hit the last chance for cash lottery when the Pats picked him up for another toy that Brady can drill. He should be picked in the AnquanBoldin and Percy Harvin area on your draft day. He is a great steal at the 65th draft position.

Chris Johnson – He is still a top 4 draft pick at worst. He will sign week before regular season, so maybe he only has 100 yards in the first game. After that, it is CJ TD LMAO $$$$$$$$!

Shaft ‘Em – Stick your buddy with these overpriced Pickle Biters:

Michael Vick – Your group of drunk, horny stripper loving friends is going to draft the over-hyped Eagles too high. If Vick is still available at the number 10 pick, I would take him as opposed to his average draft position of around 6. His injury possibility also scares me.

LeSean McCoy – Not only does he have a first AND last name with a capital letter in the middle of it, but he also has a couple offensive pigs dying to take away precious touchdowns and big fantasy football points from him; Vick and DeSean (another funny capital letter in the middle of his first name and it rhymes).

McCoy is averaging a 10.7 draft position, but he should be taken after RBs Gore, Turner and Jackson if you’re not from F-ING PHILLY.

Tony Romo – Am I still the only person on this planet that realizes that Tony Romo will NEVER lead Dallas to even an NFC Championship game? It sucks to always be the only one right! He is averaging around 44 for a draft pick, but SAY NO TO ROMO! Take Matt Ryan dummies! Romo is ok around pick 75.

Braylon Edwards is dropping so fast I’m not sure if he’ll even be on a team by morning.

Kickers
DO NOT take one before the LAST round of YO draft.

Tight Ends
They are just glorified kickers unless you’re getting Gates and he stays healthy (or gets healthy) or Jason Witten to whom Timid Tony will be dumping to more than Seattle Slew after Taco Bell and a pot of coffee.

Defenses
If you can get the Steelers around number 78, that’s great. Otherwise, wait until late for the rest of the defensive plate.

Good Luck and shut the lights out when you leave.